why oh why

do I do this? I must want attention for something in my life, something I am too shy to ask for.

This is why I wasn't a successful actress- I really truly believed that I would be discovered. When I wasn't, I just turned my back on the whole affair.

And now I am a Jr. office manager.
so.
not.
funny.

What I meant to write was about my Walgreens experience.

I wanted to tell you about the lovely fresh clean packaged joy I feel when I peruse the drugstore...
I bought some Wet'n'Wild plumberry lip liner for 99 cents.
I bought it even though I knew it would end up with all the other underused makeup in my wicker makeup basket.
I bought it for the possibility that it may turn out to be my new find, my new favorite color!
( I will never understand or forgive the Wet'n'Wild people for discontinuing the perfect plum color that had given me 10 years of happy lip coloring identity heaven).
I bought it so I could slip into the ladies room at lunch and along with my hidden mirror, apply it while I was sitting on the toilet seat.
In private.

I feel like today was a special fresh candy wrapper type of day now, it was worth 99 cents.

OK, that's all.
Except that I was having a bad day yesterday and the title of my post was going to be " Why is it so easy to write about pain?"

oh goooooood, that's funny.

Oh dear Lord

San Francisco, it can be nice.

I walked up California today, went on a "power walk". That's what you do when you work in an office in the financial district, have 30 minutes for lunch, and notice that you are getting kinda fat. And depressed.

It was a wonderful walk! I feel all talky about my walk.
I busted into talk just now in the kitchen with one of the young associates.
"I had no idea! Its so darling up in Nob Hill!".

Its warm and breezy and ocean scented and filled with little heavenly like invisible wisps floating all around. So much so that I burst into prayer in front of the Cable Car Museum.

"Oh dear lord!Oh please please...just....well, here I am! Please please please do something for me, I mean with me! Yes, I am here for you!".
And then I just wished general prayer like things and asked to be wished luck in love and loving type affairs.

It felt so real, to be praying. I felt so earnest(and desperate),I mean it has to work! It just has to!

Or perhaps the working is in the doing. Maybe my short little burst of prayer was my gift. Or the result, or whatever.

Well, I am going to sit here and wait for some answers.

Ciao!

Got the blues

I don't really think you are supposed to share and express yourself when you are feeling blah and kind of depressed and tired, are you? Maybe it's one of those exercise that is good for me, but not for anyone else.

I do have a journal but I lost track of it. Plus, this is like a private public journal because no one reads this.

I am having a grumpy Monday. Besides the obvious setbacks (dorky hair, a zit, fatty outfit that makes me look pregnant and general tiredness), I am really feeling the pain and misery of this job today. I went on Craig's List to look for another job, but that is like an activity that just makes you want to throw in the towel.

There would have to be a listing that was like, "hey if this job sounds cool give us a call! No need to send some dumb fake resume. And as for what we are looking for-someone special and great who may not have the experience but has that certain something".

I don't know what to do.
I just know I feel bad.
And stuck.
And bored.
And scared.
And weak.

Ugh...er... I mean ick

Something about being at a real long temp assignment that might turn into real long suck ass boring job just makes me not want to write.

It's sobering.

I know it's not the world's fault, or my supervisor's fault. It's not his fault that I am his pal/person to smoke with/order taking pet employee.

It's not the worlds fault that he gets more pleasure having me around than I do having him around.Often, he will invite me for drinks across the street because he wants someone to drink and smoke with before he meets his friends for dinner. It's like I am some sort of place holder. Something about that irks me.


It's mine, right? Can I still complain?

ANYWAY.

It's so quiet here so I did a search (googled) for Pandora radio and typed in paradox instead. OMG, what does that meeeeeean?

It is a beautiful word.

The paradox is......let's see if I can make this fit.

oh...,I started to make a list of positive things to say about this job and about having a paycheck and about life in general and it was soooo gross!!! I had to delete it.

I mean, duh, I do have positive thoughts. And duh, my life is awesome. And duh, I am super lucky and people like me.

But this is NOT the place to vent out all the rad things about being alive.
Like many things, those goes without saying.

This is a place to vent about my crisis which occurs 5 days a week between the hours of 8:45 and 5:15.


Here is a picture of me and my friend on cinco de mayo.(who shall remain anonymous because this is all anonymous).

My interests are no longer of interest

Nothing like an internet search to kill a subject and beat the life out of it.
Woes me!!!!
I realize its boring to write about being bored, but I am going to have a breakdown sitting here at this desk, in this office, with nothing to do but poise myself to answer the phone if it rings-or answer an email in outlook if I get one.

What am I going to do? I want to walk out of this job soooooo badly.

Can boredom and apathy kill brain cells?

I thought of making a list of things I like to do, ya know-for inspiration.

But I just can't.
I feel like crying.

this post is empty, it's an accident.

Kill me now or lift me up lord

At a temp assignment, been here over 2 months.
I think it's nice outside.
As soon as the god dammed Safeway delivery guy gets here I am going on a lunch adventure through North Beach.
I have to put the groceries away, and be chatty and charming with the delivery guy so he will continue to "take care of us". Aww...he IS nice.
I have exhausted all points of interest on the Internet. I have learned a lot about getting a holistic nursing degree,teaching English in China, and volunteering abroad.
But here I am.