still here

I just found this on my computer:


10-27-09
My Vision
I feel unhappy and I feel drained and kind of dead like, I want to avoid things and people.
This is right now, and this is earlier today, and I want to feel different.

I want to feel alive and energized and open, I don’t want to have to “push” to feel like that.
Sometimes I feel very happy, but it is fleeting and when it is gone and the angst and malaise set in, none of the happy memories seem to matter.

This week, I want my life to change. I am open to it. I want to hop on board, get on some other train-that’s all. I want to step onto some other path that is already moving.
My body and mind and all else must have some innate wisdom or intuition, and I will be listening for it this week.

All previous mumbo jumbo or otherwise that I have heard in the past is in the past, now I am ready for insight that goes beyond words.

What inspires me, or has up to this point:
Walking
Turning people onto things, but not like yelp
Feeling strong and moving around
being alone
doing something the good and best way
doing something that is good and right for the world, and practical.
Expressing myself-unless I am feeling tired and like hiding
Motivating people-sometimes
Talking to random people, strangers, the common person
Improving people’s lives, making them better buy removing easy and obvious obstacles so people have a good standing.
Helping people open up and to be more free, whatever that looks like for them. They don’t have to dance around or anything.
Breaking the ice, removing barriers, blocks, stupid old things that get in the way. Like removing a piece of wood that is jamming up a river or unclogging a sink or something like that.
If this is something that requires training, fine. Until then I want to work in a fun environment, that is light! And a place where people are doing cool stuff, not stagnant or filled with certain “etiquette”. This can only be stressful if it is the kind of stress I like! It should pay me at least 45,000 dollars. If it were a really cool job, I would go for 40,000. Like working at a place that makes people feel good and be happy !
I want something that has movement in it, where I am not sitting at a desk looking at my computer all day.


2-25-10 yikes!

Jobs I am interested in:
• Scientist
• Researcher
• Café owner?????
• I give up this list isn’t working

6-16-10 double yikes
I just found this, read it, and now I am crying. Such optimism!
I really don’t know what to say. Whatever I say will be regurgitated stuff I heard from a self help book.
Roth, Tolle, Hay.

My new thing is to try to just be positive! It’s really hysterical, I see myself in so many people with these sorts of comments.


I watched a documentary about Louise Hay last night, ya know the "you can heal your life" lady.
She is all about taking the 'positive approach'.

It's hard for me to feel positive at 2:00 in the afternoon, I just feel sleepy.

I
just
don't
know
anymore.
never
ever
did
maybe.