still here

I just found this on my computer:


10-27-09
My Vision
I feel unhappy and I feel drained and kind of dead like, I want to avoid things and people.
This is right now, and this is earlier today, and I want to feel different.

I want to feel alive and energized and open, I don’t want to have to “push” to feel like that.
Sometimes I feel very happy, but it is fleeting and when it is gone and the angst and malaise set in, none of the happy memories seem to matter.

This week, I want my life to change. I am open to it. I want to hop on board, get on some other train-that’s all. I want to step onto some other path that is already moving.
My body and mind and all else must have some innate wisdom or intuition, and I will be listening for it this week.

All previous mumbo jumbo or otherwise that I have heard in the past is in the past, now I am ready for insight that goes beyond words.

What inspires me, or has up to this point:
Walking
Turning people onto things, but not like yelp
Feeling strong and moving around
being alone
doing something the good and best way
doing something that is good and right for the world, and practical.
Expressing myself-unless I am feeling tired and like hiding
Motivating people-sometimes
Talking to random people, strangers, the common person
Improving people’s lives, making them better buy removing easy and obvious obstacles so people have a good standing.
Helping people open up and to be more free, whatever that looks like for them. They don’t have to dance around or anything.
Breaking the ice, removing barriers, blocks, stupid old things that get in the way. Like removing a piece of wood that is jamming up a river or unclogging a sink or something like that.
If this is something that requires training, fine. Until then I want to work in a fun environment, that is light! And a place where people are doing cool stuff, not stagnant or filled with certain “etiquette”. This can only be stressful if it is the kind of stress I like! It should pay me at least 45,000 dollars. If it were a really cool job, I would go for 40,000. Like working at a place that makes people feel good and be happy !
I want something that has movement in it, where I am not sitting at a desk looking at my computer all day.


2-25-10 yikes!

Jobs I am interested in:
• Scientist
• Researcher
• Café owner?????
• I give up this list isn’t working

6-16-10 double yikes
I just found this, read it, and now I am crying. Such optimism!
I really don’t know what to say. Whatever I say will be regurgitated stuff I heard from a self help book.
Roth, Tolle, Hay.

My new thing is to try to just be positive! It’s really hysterical, I see myself in so many people with these sorts of comments.


I watched a documentary about Louise Hay last night, ya know the "you can heal your life" lady.
She is all about taking the 'positive approach'.

It's hard for me to feel positive at 2:00 in the afternoon, I just feel sleepy.

I
just
don't
know
anymore.
never
ever
did
maybe.

why oh why

do I do this? I must want attention for something in my life, something I am too shy to ask for.

This is why I wasn't a successful actress- I really truly believed that I would be discovered. When I wasn't, I just turned my back on the whole affair.

And now I am a Jr. office manager.
so.
not.
funny.

What I meant to write was about my Walgreens experience.

I wanted to tell you about the lovely fresh clean packaged joy I feel when I peruse the drugstore...
I bought some Wet'n'Wild plumberry lip liner for 99 cents.
I bought it even though I knew it would end up with all the other underused makeup in my wicker makeup basket.
I bought it for the possibility that it may turn out to be my new find, my new favorite color!
( I will never understand or forgive the Wet'n'Wild people for discontinuing the perfect plum color that had given me 10 years of happy lip coloring identity heaven).
I bought it so I could slip into the ladies room at lunch and along with my hidden mirror, apply it while I was sitting on the toilet seat.
In private.

I feel like today was a special fresh candy wrapper type of day now, it was worth 99 cents.

OK, that's all.
Except that I was having a bad day yesterday and the title of my post was going to be " Why is it so easy to write about pain?"

oh goooooood, that's funny.

Oh dear Lord

San Francisco, it can be nice.

I walked up California today, went on a "power walk". That's what you do when you work in an office in the financial district, have 30 minutes for lunch, and notice that you are getting kinda fat. And depressed.

It was a wonderful walk! I feel all talky about my walk.
I busted into talk just now in the kitchen with one of the young associates.
"I had no idea! Its so darling up in Nob Hill!".

Its warm and breezy and ocean scented and filled with little heavenly like invisible wisps floating all around. So much so that I burst into prayer in front of the Cable Car Museum.

"Oh dear lord!Oh please please...just....well, here I am! Please please please do something for me, I mean with me! Yes, I am here for you!".
And then I just wished general prayer like things and asked to be wished luck in love and loving type affairs.

It felt so real, to be praying. I felt so earnest(and desperate),I mean it has to work! It just has to!

Or perhaps the working is in the doing. Maybe my short little burst of prayer was my gift. Or the result, or whatever.

Well, I am going to sit here and wait for some answers.

Ciao!

Got the blues

I don't really think you are supposed to share and express yourself when you are feeling blah and kind of depressed and tired, are you? Maybe it's one of those exercise that is good for me, but not for anyone else.

I do have a journal but I lost track of it. Plus, this is like a private public journal because no one reads this.

I am having a grumpy Monday. Besides the obvious setbacks (dorky hair, a zit, fatty outfit that makes me look pregnant and general tiredness), I am really feeling the pain and misery of this job today. I went on Craig's List to look for another job, but that is like an activity that just makes you want to throw in the towel.

There would have to be a listing that was like, "hey if this job sounds cool give us a call! No need to send some dumb fake resume. And as for what we are looking for-someone special and great who may not have the experience but has that certain something".

I don't know what to do.
I just know I feel bad.
And stuck.
And bored.
And scared.
And weak.

Ugh...er... I mean ick

Something about being at a real long temp assignment that might turn into real long suck ass boring job just makes me not want to write.

It's sobering.

I know it's not the world's fault, or my supervisor's fault. It's not his fault that I am his pal/person to smoke with/order taking pet employee.

It's not the worlds fault that he gets more pleasure having me around than I do having him around.Often, he will invite me for drinks across the street because he wants someone to drink and smoke with before he meets his friends for dinner. It's like I am some sort of place holder. Something about that irks me.


It's mine, right? Can I still complain?

ANYWAY.

It's so quiet here so I did a search (googled) for Pandora radio and typed in paradox instead. OMG, what does that meeeeeean?

It is a beautiful word.

The paradox is......let's see if I can make this fit.

oh...,I started to make a list of positive things to say about this job and about having a paycheck and about life in general and it was soooo gross!!! I had to delete it.

I mean, duh, I do have positive thoughts. And duh, my life is awesome. And duh, I am super lucky and people like me.

But this is NOT the place to vent out all the rad things about being alive.
Like many things, those goes without saying.

This is a place to vent about my crisis which occurs 5 days a week between the hours of 8:45 and 5:15.


Here is a picture of me and my friend on cinco de mayo.(who shall remain anonymous because this is all anonymous).

My interests are no longer of interest

Nothing like an internet search to kill a subject and beat the life out of it.
Woes me!!!!
I realize its boring to write about being bored, but I am going to have a breakdown sitting here at this desk, in this office, with nothing to do but poise myself to answer the phone if it rings-or answer an email in outlook if I get one.

What am I going to do? I want to walk out of this job soooooo badly.

Can boredom and apathy kill brain cells?

I thought of making a list of things I like to do, ya know-for inspiration.

But I just can't.
I feel like crying.

this post is empty, it's an accident.

Kill me now or lift me up lord

At a temp assignment, been here over 2 months.
I think it's nice outside.
As soon as the god dammed Safeway delivery guy gets here I am going on a lunch adventure through North Beach.
I have to put the groceries away, and be chatty and charming with the delivery guy so he will continue to "take care of us". Aww...he IS nice.
I have exhausted all points of interest on the Internet. I have learned a lot about getting a holistic nursing degree,teaching English in China, and volunteering abroad.
But here I am.

Day 7

This day is killing me. I am all dressed up cute today and I am just sitting here, staring at my Gmail inbox ticker- waiting for it to say "5". It has been on 4 all morning, I rec'd an e-mail from a local business about an event this Saturday but I deleted in right away. I am saving the 5 spot for a really good one!

The 4 unread emails are YouTube music links, which I cant play at work.

Oh! The sort of cute hippie guy who works at the mountain travel place next door just walked by! He is taking his lunch pretty early.

If I get a 5th email while I am writing this, I will report it. If I get a text, I will report that as well.

I spent all morning cruising craigslist for work, what a horrid woeful gut wringing activity that is!!!!! I applied for one: a substitute teachers aid in Orinda, for special needs kids. Thinking Big!
Being self depreciating and sarcastic is sooooo 90's. I just don't know what to replace it with. Brutal Honesty? Confidence!? I hear the kids these days ( the ones in their 20's), are brimming with clickety clackety confidence. You know all that self help crap we heard in the 90's: "Don't take no for answer", "Think outside the box", "Act now and think later!", and on and on. . . well THEY are embodying those mantras like it were as natural as eating grapes! Doggone it.

The guy from next door walked by again, he is not really my type.

I am so brain dead here that when the phone rings I have to pause with the headset at my ear as I stare off into space and try to recall the name of the company. I totally know it, but when I pick up the phone I go blank for a moment. Hopefully the people on the other end of the line just think the phone has to travel a long way from the cradle to the side of my head.

This business guy from the other office next door just walked by and said into his bluetooth" I have a raging headache today". It was funny. Raging. I get migraines and regular old headaches from time to time and I don't think I have never called them raging.
Or killer.
Or pounding.

It's 12:09, and I should try and put off taking my lunch break for as long as possible.

I just deleted like 6 really lame sentences. Guess I am done.

In case I reread this and come to the conclusion that I am a whiner with no ability to "make things happen!", I will add one thing.

You are the cutest, nicest, most interesting, most honest and most awesome person in the world!

* And just for the record, I am aware that we are in the middle of an "Economic Crisis the Likes of The Great Depression", and that a " Historical Presidential Election" is taking place.

No 5th email. whatever.

Advertising in Action

I decided to blog again today, even though I swore it off yesterday-after my first post. There is so much to learn, ugh, and I have decided that while no one will read this it is still something.

Plus, there is not much to do at most temp jobs besides cruise the Internet and that starts to erode my soul after the fifth hour.

And, I need writing practice. I have always been a lazy writer and a so so at best typist. Being out of work is painful on many levels, but the battering that my self esteem takes is the worst of it. Maybe this will help.

OK, so now that I have rationalized why I think it is OK for me to do this, I will get on with it.

I am temping in Emeryville today (E-Ville as they say here in the office) and I decided that I would take an extra 10 minutes for my lunch break. I told my supervisor that I had an errand to run, and that I would make up the extra 10 minutes. You betcha I would! The thing about being a temp is that you have to be scratchy clean. All the time.

Wandering around during your lunch break at a temp job can be like wandering around in a really boring foreign country that you are visiting for the first time.
I went to the Goodwill and it was starting to depress me in that way that only a thrift store outing can. The store was too cold and the light was hitting it with such a glare that everything looked dusty and bright. ick.

I finally found an old dress from Neimen Marcus, and even though it was too small I bought it anyway. It's really cute! I told myself what I always tell myself, " I will alter it, I will learn how to alter things, and I will alter it". I will probably just end up keeping it unbuttoned and wearing a tank under it, it may work.

I crossed the street and saw a big sign advertising McDonald's Iced Coffee. It looked delicious! I vaguely recalled some notion that people felt they could count on McDonald's for a decent cup of coffee so I walked right in. I felt that familiar buttery warmth that I sometimes feel when I am at a fast food place, like everything will be alright because they are so consistent and they know how to take care of you. It only lasts a second.

I ordered a large coffee and asked if they put sugar in it. The guy said yes, 4 pumps. Knowing most people's tolerance for sweet drinks is way higher than mine, I asked for 1.

It was so huge, my iced coffee. It was bigger than my head, it was totally disproportionate to my body. When I got back to my job, I was thankful that I sat up front so no one would see me traipse through the office holding this huge McDonald's iced coffee.

And it was gross too, not even in a guilty pleasure way like cheap frozen burritos or ding dongs.
I couldn't even drink it.

McDonald's-I will NEVER order an iced coffee from you again!